Tuesday, February 24, 2004
We Value Your Patronage! Please Fuck Off!
I have been on hold before. I can understand that due to millions of people trying to use one phone line all at once, holding is necessary in certain situations. As a matter of fact, I embrace the use of hold-- it's better than the damn busy signal (which, by the way is one of the most irritating sounds in the world).
As matter of fact, I am on hold RIGHT NOW! Yes, you read that right! As I type this, I have the phone sandwiched between my ear and my shoulder. So please excuse me if I commit the occasional typographicsal error while I fynnisht thuiser u pdaste1 1ioy;v
Sorry. Spasm. So, I'm trying to get a hold of my HMO right now, to ask them a simple question that I'm sure will take .07 seconds to answer. So, you know, I'm listening to the really bad Muzak they're playing, and hearing thier little soundbytes about how I should use the website instead, bklah blah blah. You know, maybe more people WOULD use the website if it weren't so goddamn useless.
"You can also use our website at http://www.fuckmeinthegoatass.com!"
(click, click)
For assistance, please call us at 1-666-WE-R-SATAN!
Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that while I'm listening to the stupid bint tell me about how I shouldn't shoot heroin into my eyeball while I have a cold and am taking antihistamines and butter, I hear a REAL LIVE PERSON(tm) come on the phone. Naturally, I assume that my call is ready to be taken. BZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!! Wrong. This person cheerfully tells me that all reps are busy and asks me to keep holding. Before I can regain my composure, she is gone.
I am dumbfounded.
So now, I have the Muzak and the prerecorded "pleaswe continue to hold" thing going. Lo and behold, I get another REAL LIVE PERSON(tm)!! My labia swell in anticipation, but before I can say anything I hear "Allrepsarebusythankyouforyourpatiencepleasecontinuetohold!" Over the next 21 minutes, I continued to hear someone say this over and over, approx. every 10 seconds (no exaggeration for once). Not only that, but I counted no fewer than 4 different people telling me this! And I'm still hearing it.
Hey, Keystone Health... I have an idea for ya. Maybe, just MAYBE, if you had your operators and reps taking ACTUAL CALLS instead of making them pick up phone after phone to blurt stupid messages into, you could get some people OFF HOLD!!! Holy SHIT! What kind of phenomenally stupid person pays REAL OPERATORS at least minimum wage to pick up a phone that already has a pre-recorded message on it and tell people to hold?!?!?! No fucking wonder all these HMOs are hemmoraging money left and right. This is the same kind of brilliant management strategy that requires all emplyees to wear badges to access certain high security areas....like bathrooms. Fucking knock-kneed toad-fucking coital rejects.
And another thing. Fuck Verizon. You know, all I tried to do was change my DSL service from PA to NJ and they managed to transfer me through 18 departments, across state lines, and finally stuck me with someone who didn't know you could transfer service. So she set me up a new account, complete with new equipment I don't need and new billing and e-mail info. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat. How about you go play hide and go fuck yourself, Matilda? I'm spent.
I have been on hold before. I can understand that due to millions of people trying to use one phone line all at once, holding is necessary in certain situations. As a matter of fact, I embrace the use of hold-- it's better than the damn busy signal (which, by the way is one of the most irritating sounds in the world).
As matter of fact, I am on hold RIGHT NOW! Yes, you read that right! As I type this, I have the phone sandwiched between my ear and my shoulder. So please excuse me if I commit the occasional typographicsal error while I fynnisht thuiser u pdaste1 1ioy;v
Sorry. Spasm. So, I'm trying to get a hold of my HMO right now, to ask them a simple question that I'm sure will take .07 seconds to answer. So, you know, I'm listening to the really bad Muzak they're playing, and hearing thier little soundbytes about how I should use the website instead, bklah blah blah. You know, maybe more people WOULD use the website if it weren't so goddamn useless.
"You can also use our website at http://www.fuckmeinthegoatass.com!"
For assistance, please call us at 1-666-WE-R-SATAN!
Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that while I'm listening to the stupid bint tell me about how I shouldn't shoot heroin into my eyeball while I have a cold and am taking antihistamines and butter, I hear a REAL LIVE PERSON(tm) come on the phone. Naturally, I assume that my call is ready to be taken. BZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!! Wrong. This person cheerfully tells me that all reps are busy and asks me to keep holding. Before I can regain my composure, she is gone.
I am dumbfounded.
So now, I have the Muzak and the prerecorded "pleaswe continue to hold" thing going. Lo and behold, I get another REAL LIVE PERSON(tm)!! My labia swell in anticipation, but before I can say anything I hear "Allrepsarebusythankyouforyourpatiencepleasecontinuetohold!" Over the next 21 minutes, I continued to hear someone say this over and over, approx. every 10 seconds (no exaggeration for once). Not only that, but I counted no fewer than 4 different people telling me this! And I'm still hearing it.
Hey, Keystone Health... I have an idea for ya. Maybe, just MAYBE, if you had your operators and reps taking ACTUAL CALLS instead of making them pick up phone after phone to blurt stupid messages into, you could get some people OFF HOLD!!! Holy SHIT! What kind of phenomenally stupid person pays REAL OPERATORS at least minimum wage to pick up a phone that already has a pre-recorded message on it and tell people to hold?!?!?! No fucking wonder all these HMOs are hemmoraging money left and right. This is the same kind of brilliant management strategy that requires all emplyees to wear badges to access certain high security areas....like bathrooms. Fucking knock-kneed toad-fucking coital rejects.
And another thing. Fuck Verizon. You know, all I tried to do was change my DSL service from PA to NJ and they managed to transfer me through 18 departments, across state lines, and finally stuck me with someone who didn't know you could transfer service. So she set me up a new account, complete with new equipment I don't need and new billing and e-mail info. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat. How about you go play hide and go fuck yourself, Matilda? I'm spent.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Time to do someone wrong...Random rants, the sequel.
First of all, two things.
One: I don't think that your girlfriend will care that you called her to tell her what a good time you were having without her. After all, no matter how they look, RealDolls don't actually have functioning ears.
Two: Good point about the Jersyite thing. I'm going to claim status as a Pennsylvania-funded Insurgent. I'm trying to stage a PA coup in NJ, working from the inside out. But if you steal my "/end transmission " gag again, I'll rape you with a snow-cone maker. That one's mine, beeyotch.
Ok, on to my real topic. It's that time of year, boys and girls! Valentine's day is just around the corner!
Now if only somone would make stalker hearts....
Valentine's day. The only day of the year that Hallmark will sell you a pillowed, perfumed 3' by 5' card for the same price it will sell you a soggy scrap of post-it with the worlds "Love me or I'll kill myself" scrawled on it in blood. I'm all for love conquering all, but Hallmark needs to go. NOW. Anyway, happy V-day to all you loveless fucks out there. Here's a card for ya. Try not to get syphillis from your rent-a-date.
The ladies loooooooove this one.
Next subject: pool tables. Since we bought the house, I naturally feel the need to finally get a pool talbe. As such, I 'm looking online for one because, well, I'm a geek. Try searching for pool tables, and see what you get. You get swimming pool dealers, don't you! HAH! Now, what the hell is going on here? Why would anyone sell both pool tables AND pool supplies? It's not like there is a huge crossover market there (driftwood would argue this point, but then again driftwood is a numb little manties-wearing short-bus reject who exists solely to bicker).
There are two possible explanations for this: the first is that AL Gore didn't REALLY invent "teh intarweb!!1!!1!! " I know, I know, this is a shocking accusation, but I am prepared to stand firm on this. I think that long ago, in halcyon days of yore (round about the same time consumers gave a fuck what IBM had to sell them) pool table manufacturers and retailers of swimming pools held a summmit. They hammered out a devious plan to be implemented over the following 20 years involving a non-centralized data exchange throughout the world, which would eventually have a "search function". And lo, when the day of the search function came, they would reap the rewards of "double hits" because they would be selling both pools AND pool talbes. BRILLIANT!. But unlikely.
The second theory is much more plausable. Aliens. Yup, it's alllllllllllllll aliens. A superior race from the furthest reaches of our galaxy (available in an array of colors we cannot even pronounce) is planning to tke over our world, and they're starting where it could hurt us most-- at the consumer level. Fortunatly for humanity, they have one weakness, one chink in thier slimy metaphysical armor.
They have absolutely no understanding of what a homonym is.
This allows us to spot thier dastardly endevors, such as the pool table-pool supplies franchise. However, they are beginning to realize this, and are currently in the process of organizing a SCUBA Billiards Gaming Association in an effort to hide thier faux pas. Beware, creatures of Earth! Your time is short! Er, our. I meant our. I'm human.
Last bit of this rant: I would like it to be known that I have coined a new phrase, as of about 2 seconds ago. It is "homey-nym", and it refers to a word or expression used by somone who has no idea as to what they're actually saying. This is derived from the stupidity of hip-hop culture (for ALL races, you PC cocksuckers) and the stunning amount of english language slaughter that occurs there. Example:
You: "Nice day, isn't it?"
Hip-hop-culture-maven: "It's tight, it's tight. Fishsticks up, lollipop trouser."
This is a homey-nym. Use the term wisely, as I will not be held responsable of you get your ass beat because of it.
/end transmission.
First of all, two things.
One: I don't think that your girlfriend will care that you called her to tell her what a good time you were having without her. After all, no matter how they look, RealDolls don't actually have functioning ears.
Two: Good point about the Jersyite thing. I'm going to claim status as a Pennsylvania-funded Insurgent. I'm trying to stage a PA coup in NJ, working from the inside out. But if you steal my "/end transmission " gag again, I'll rape you with a snow-cone maker. That one's mine, beeyotch.
Ok, on to my real topic. It's that time of year, boys and girls! Valentine's day is just around the corner!
Valentine's day. The only day of the year that Hallmark will sell you a pillowed, perfumed 3' by 5' card for the same price it will sell you a soggy scrap of post-it with the worlds "Love me or I'll kill myself" scrawled on it in blood. I'm all for love conquering all, but Hallmark needs to go. NOW. Anyway, happy V-day to all you loveless fucks out there. Here's a card for ya. Try not to get syphillis from your rent-a-date.
Next subject: pool tables. Since we bought the house, I naturally feel the need to finally get a pool talbe. As such, I 'm looking online for one because, well, I'm a geek. Try searching for pool tables, and see what you get. You get swimming pool dealers, don't you! HAH! Now, what the hell is going on here? Why would anyone sell both pool tables AND pool supplies? It's not like there is a huge crossover market there (driftwood would argue this point, but then again driftwood is a numb little manties-wearing short-bus reject who exists solely to bicker).
There are two possible explanations for this: the first is that AL Gore didn't REALLY invent "teh intarweb!!1!!1!! " I know, I know, this is a shocking accusation, but I am prepared to stand firm on this. I think that long ago, in halcyon days of yore (round about the same time consumers gave a fuck what IBM had to sell them) pool table manufacturers and retailers of swimming pools held a summmit. They hammered out a devious plan to be implemented over the following 20 years involving a non-centralized data exchange throughout the world, which would eventually have a "search function". And lo, when the day of the search function came, they would reap the rewards of "double hits" because they would be selling both pools AND pool talbes. BRILLIANT!. But unlikely.
The second theory is much more plausable. Aliens. Yup, it's alllllllllllllll aliens. A superior race from the furthest reaches of our galaxy (available in an array of colors we cannot even pronounce) is planning to tke over our world, and they're starting where it could hurt us most-- at the consumer level. Fortunatly for humanity, they have one weakness, one chink in thier slimy metaphysical armor.
They have absolutely no understanding of what a homonym is.
This allows us to spot thier dastardly endevors, such as the pool table-pool supplies franchise. However, they are beginning to realize this, and are currently in the process of organizing a SCUBA Billiards Gaming Association in an effort to hide thier faux pas. Beware, creatures of Earth! Your time is short! Er, our. I meant our. I'm human.
Last bit of this rant: I would like it to be known that I have coined a new phrase, as of about 2 seconds ago. It is "homey-nym", and it refers to a word or expression used by somone who has no idea as to what they're actually saying. This is derived from the stupidity of hip-hop culture (for ALL races, you PC cocksuckers) and the stunning amount of english language slaughter that occurs there. Example:
You: "Nice day, isn't it?"
Hip-hop-culture-maven: "It's tight, it's tight. Fishsticks up, lollipop trouser."
This is a homey-nym. Use the term wisely, as I will not be held responsable of you get your ass beat because of it.
/end transmission.
