Ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhhh-uhhh-aaaaah-ahhh-ahhhhhhhhhh........

Halo 2. Yesterday it was unleashed upon the world, and I had it in my grubbluy little hands by lunch. Here's my report.... I sent it in an e-mail and I'm lazy, so it's a cut-n-paste.

Ok, I've played it. Man, am I tired today. There are a few major differences from the first one. First off, the graphics aren't *that* much improved....or so it seems. Once you get down to earth though, the world is amazing. The water looks better, the buildings are better, the debris is move-able, vehicles explode...it's awesome. Parts of the first terran level are really well-done urban warfare scenarios....your troops duck in and out of alcoves, and enemies are everywhere. Which, by the way, reminds me.... the Covenant now have snipers. And they're GOOD. They also have mounted rapid-fire plasma machine gun nests all over the place.

Which brings me to you.... there's no more health. All you have are shields, and when they run out, you're only a few good hits away from biting it. Fortunatly, the shields do recharge a lot quicker, but it the effect this new balance has on your warfare is awesome... you frequently find yourself in the middle of a hellstorm of enemies trying to take cover, praying that a grunt isn't going to turn the corner and blast you. It's really immersive. The enemies seem to have been balanced too-- the grunts are still little wussies, but the jackals are a little toughre and the elite are not as annoyuing shield-recharge-wise as they were before. Also, you encounter a pair of hunters pretty early on, and they tend to expose themselves a little more....but they're MUCH faster and you can't bait them as easily as you could in the first one. Plus once they charge, standing behind them and blasting away at thier backs is not feasible as they hav a new move where they immediatly bring one arm up and over thier heads, turning rapidly and smashing down behind them with one massive fist. Pretty f$#king cool.

Be prepared to die a lot more often this time around, too... oh, and how can I forget the Chief's weapons? Dual wielding is AWESOME.... I'm particularly fond on having a plasma pistol in one hand and a SMG in the other. So when I come across a shielded enemy, I blast them with the plasma to take out the shields and open fire with the lead-sprayer to finish the job. I'm pretty efficient at it. I don't know who wrote about that strategy, but I love it. The covgenant sniper rifle is awesome, but can overheat and damage you. All your standard weapons are back, and the handgun is now a hand CANNON. One shot from that thing does massive damage, but the ammo is scarce. And t he shotgun appears to do more damage too. Byt the way, did I mention that there are now a) airborne enemies (they're really irritating because they'flit all over and are hard to hit) and b)Elites can JUMP?!?!? You think you're safe crouched behind debris, waiting for your shields to recharge, when all of a sudden you see one go bounding over you and the next thing you know you're taking a dirt nap. But the coolest thing I did was to pull an Ash and when one did that, I blasted him with the shotgun in mid-air. Very Kill Bill-ish. One more thing-- you can now lock onto a target with the rocket launcher. Mwahahahahaha.

Vehicles are cool, although I haven't come across the new warthog yet. They are no longer indestructable, which also adds to the immersion....nothing like seeing a warthog full of your grunts come flying out of a cloud of smoke, on fire and spreaying lead everywhere. I love it when the hubcaps fall off. This brings me to your troops' AI.... it's pretty good, but they are REALLY incometent at driving vehicles by themselves. I've been killed numberous times (once while riding a ghost) because they hit me at full speed and obliterated me. Oh, that reminds me.. when you get hit by somethign REALLY hard (liek a hunter) you don't fall down but it pushes you back and you slowly grind to a halt. You can almost feel Chief digging in , making little furrows in the concrete with his boots as he tried to stop himself.

Stay tuned for more exploits, and I'll let you all know the first time I cram a rocket up Mk@t and Tommy Shu's collective ass.

Fly the Friedly Skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeesssssss......

So I recently flew to California and back for work. Now before I get going, just let me preface this rant with one statement: I am ALL FOR airport security. Anything that is going to keep me from getting my ass blown out of the sky is fine with me.

So, to continue, I flew to Cali. On my way back I was stopped (as usual) by security. My insulin pump, despite the protestations of the little simians they employ as screeners, always sets off the metal detectors. So of course, they searched me. Now, in my carry on, I have large needles and a spring-loaded injector for said needles. Did they key in on those glittering little shards of death? Nooooooooooooo. Instead, they opened my guitar case and took out my needlenose pliers. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! Ok, if you think I'm dumb enough to expect my syringes of doom with new and improved power launcher to get through, why why WHY would you think I would use needlenose pliers as a weapon? If I really wanted to I would load up one of those bitches and cram it through the nearest jugular. Hell, I even had extra needle ammo!

This is not a knife. Or a shotgun. Or a llama. Idiots.

And another thing....the strings. The strings on my guitar are metal... basically, I have 6 meter long lengths of garrotte wire at my disposal at any time. But I'm sure needlenose pliers are a larger threat, Petunia. Hey, airlines, listen up.... here's a test for you. If you seize something of mine I'll give you the opportunity to take me out with it. If you can't, I keep it. If you can, no problem, I'll surrender it. It's not like I was packing a Glock or something....they are PLIARS!!!

And after all this, she had the nerve o tell me I could check them. Right, I'm going to sprint back through the gate and check a pair of pliers in a baggie. Make sure they get home to me there, Cleetus. She also gave me the option of mailing them to myself. FROM WHERE, FUCKTARD?!?!?! I don't see Jerry the laughing mailman hopping up to me with a prepaid envelope and a lolling, stamp-licking tongue. So, what, should I just scrawl on them with a magic marker and hurl them at the nearest passing FedEx plane?

Again, I'm all for security...SMART security. So the next time they sieze your hairclip because you might molest a styrofoam cup with it, protest. Not loudly enough to get booted, but this needs to stop. Register your malcontent anywhere and everywhere you can. Ok, I'm off to peel some Girl Scouts with my new pliers. S out.