Caffeine + Data Runs = A Recipe for Disaster.

So, this afternoon I'm doing some rather large data mining runs against our Oracle server. Also, I've been drinking coffee all day, although I moved to diet soda after lunch. So I'm sitting here, writing SQL code and twitchign mightily from the massive amounts of caffeine, and I overhear a conversation my bosses are having. One of them said domethign about being from Wisconson, where Jefferey Dahmer was from, and then continued to say, "Wasn't Gacy form Wisconson?" Of course, at this point, my ears perked up but my brain instantly bypassed my mental filter and I said "No". Of course, I'm still typing SQL at this point and haven't looked up. I continued...."Gacy was the one who dressed up as a clown for kids parties." My boss said, "Huh....well whoever it was made furniture out of the bones and lampshades out of the tanned skin of his victims." My reply:

"Well, you know, 'Waste not, want not' and all that."

Silence. I looked up and they were all stares.

I love this job sometimes.

Use that Needle, Dick.

Well, as promised, here are all the action packed shots from my trip to Dreamland Creations in Stroudsburg, PA. Myke Maldonado was my artist, and he's great. He even let me put on some nice tattooing music-- Therapy?, Gravity Kills, and MuDvAyNe. And now, gentle browser, for the first time ever you can get my scintilating commentary to go along with these breathtaking images!

So here is the first shot. Everyone get a load of 2004's Pasty Whitey of the Year. I'm trying to hunch so he can get the placement of the tattoo right, so no hunchback jokes.



If you've never gotten a tattoo, you may be wondering why the hell the ink is purple. Well, the tattoo artist gets the design finalized (in this case, I did) and applies a Xerox onto the skin to use as a guide. Here he's started the outline, and the pain is pretty non-existent.



Still working on the outline, and I'm pretty much numb from the constant hum of the needle.



First break in the action, and I'm starting to get past the numb into the pain. That little red mark is not some cool scar, just a placemnt guide from when he put the stencil on. It's amazing how quickly you forget this whole process hurts like a bitch.



So quite a while later and the outline is done. Honestly, this part is the worst.... the fill isn't so bad because they use more needles in the gun and it goes a lot quicker. They do, however, bear down a lot more, so the moments of pain arre much more intense.



Again, fast forward an hour or so and the fill is almost complete. Now I'm getting pretty tired (this whole thign took 3 hours) and a little sore/stiff from sitting in the same position for so long. You'd think that having a gov't job would make me used to it, but the lash of my supervisor's whip is a totally diferent feeling than the gun.



Ah, the finished product. A little red and kinda gooopy because of the healing salve that is applied after the end, but looks good. And of course, my tiny little brain is already saying, "Hmmmm, that wasn't too bad. Let's make another appointment."

It's been a little over a week and I'm mostly healed. Although I itch like hell and it feels like there are little tiny elves with poison ivy ice skates tripping the light fandango on my back/shoulder (he touched up the other one I had too). If you ever get ink done, I highly recommend this place...it's clean, with a great staff and good atmosphere. Plus, thier prices are out of this world and Myke (my artist) won't even pick up the gun until he is totally satisfied that the tattooee is happy with the design and location.

That's all kids....hope you enjoyed.

Pedant cap secure, sir. Prepare for liftoff.

Ok, I'm at home today slacking off from work and watchign an episode of Spin City before starting a long day of KotOR 2. A local commercial comes on for the Cherry Hill Auto Complex, and I am stunned. It's has, in large flashing letters, the words "Your Approved". YOUR approved.

Oh really. My approved WHAT, exactly?

I'm constantly amazed that shit like this slips through...I mean, this is basic third grade grammer....and I see it everywhere. It's not like this is podunkville, where I grew up. This is a major metropolitan area.....and this commercial seemed to have pretty high production values. It really kills me when it comes through a work related e-mail. There is no quicker way to make yourself look like an idiot than to put out an offical memo reading: "Thank you for all of you're support." Instant DQ from el poolo genetico.

Oh, and I'll have tattoo process pics up soon.....maybe tommorow. Like anyone reads this fucking thing anyway. I could call you all horse-gobbling clam herders and be talking to myself. Anyway, on the off chance that someone IS reading this, it's gonna be soon.

And noone shop at the Cherry Hill Auto Complex or I'll hunt you down and tattoo a detailed definition of the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE on YOUR colon with a rusty fish hook.

Stab me once, shame on you, stab me 1,583,480 times....

So once again, OMFUG is going under the knife. Well, ok, not knife really, just needles. Hundreds of thousands of stab wounds are a'comin....yup, I'm getting my next tattoo this Friday.

My love for you is ticking clock, BERZERKER!

So that's what it will look like when it's done. Should take 2 or 3 hours on an incredibly sensative part of the body......I think I'm going to need a very good book and very good music to see me through to the other side this time. I'll llet you all know when it's done and how much it hurt. Which, I assume, will be a lot. My first one didn't really hurt at all, but it was on the fat of my arm so go figure. Here.....here be delectible little nerves ready to weep in agony at the first stab.

There's somethign seriously fucking wrong with me. But remember kids....pain is temporary, glory is forever, and chicks dig scars.

Ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhhh-uhhh-aaaaah-ahhh-ahhhhhhhhhh........

Halo 2. Yesterday it was unleashed upon the world, and I had it in my grubbluy little hands by lunch. Here's my report.... I sent it in an e-mail and I'm lazy, so it's a cut-n-paste.

Ok, I've played it. Man, am I tired today. There are a few major differences from the first one. First off, the graphics aren't *that* much improved....or so it seems. Once you get down to earth though, the world is amazing. The water looks better, the buildings are better, the debris is move-able, vehicles explode...it's awesome. Parts of the first terran level are really well-done urban warfare scenarios....your troops duck in and out of alcoves, and enemies are everywhere. Which, by the way, reminds me.... the Covenant now have snipers. And they're GOOD. They also have mounted rapid-fire plasma machine gun nests all over the place.

Which brings me to you.... there's no more health. All you have are shields, and when they run out, you're only a few good hits away from biting it. Fortunatly, the shields do recharge a lot quicker, but it the effect this new balance has on your warfare is awesome... you frequently find yourself in the middle of a hellstorm of enemies trying to take cover, praying that a grunt isn't going to turn the corner and blast you. It's really immersive. The enemies seem to have been balanced too-- the grunts are still little wussies, but the jackals are a little toughre and the elite are not as annoyuing shield-recharge-wise as they were before. Also, you encounter a pair of hunters pretty early on, and they tend to expose themselves a little more....but they're MUCH faster and you can't bait them as easily as you could in the first one. Plus once they charge, standing behind them and blasting away at thier backs is not feasible as they hav a new move where they immediatly bring one arm up and over thier heads, turning rapidly and smashing down behind them with one massive fist. Pretty f$#king cool.

Be prepared to die a lot more often this time around, too... oh, and how can I forget the Chief's weapons? Dual wielding is AWESOME.... I'm particularly fond on having a plasma pistol in one hand and a SMG in the other. So when I come across a shielded enemy, I blast them with the plasma to take out the shields and open fire with the lead-sprayer to finish the job. I'm pretty efficient at it. I don't know who wrote about that strategy, but I love it. The covgenant sniper rifle is awesome, but can overheat and damage you. All your standard weapons are back, and the handgun is now a hand CANNON. One shot from that thing does massive damage, but the ammo is scarce. And t he shotgun appears to do more damage too. Byt the way, did I mention that there are now a) airborne enemies (they're really irritating because they'flit all over and are hard to hit) and b)Elites can JUMP?!?!? You think you're safe crouched behind debris, waiting for your shields to recharge, when all of a sudden you see one go bounding over you and the next thing you know you're taking a dirt nap. But the coolest thing I did was to pull an Ash and when one did that, I blasted him with the shotgun in mid-air. Very Kill Bill-ish. One more thing-- you can now lock onto a target with the rocket launcher. Mwahahahahaha.

Vehicles are cool, although I haven't come across the new warthog yet. They are no longer indestructable, which also adds to the immersion....nothing like seeing a warthog full of your grunts come flying out of a cloud of smoke, on fire and spreaying lead everywhere. I love it when the hubcaps fall off. This brings me to your troops' AI.... it's pretty good, but they are REALLY incometent at driving vehicles by themselves. I've been killed numberous times (once while riding a ghost) because they hit me at full speed and obliterated me. Oh, that reminds me.. when you get hit by somethign REALLY hard (liek a hunter) you don't fall down but it pushes you back and you slowly grind to a halt. You can almost feel Chief digging in , making little furrows in the concrete with his boots as he tried to stop himself.

Stay tuned for more exploits, and I'll let you all know the first time I cram a rocket up Mk@t and Tommy Shu's collective ass.

Fly the Friedly Skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeesssssss......

So I recently flew to California and back for work. Now before I get going, just let me preface this rant with one statement: I am ALL FOR airport security. Anything that is going to keep me from getting my ass blown out of the sky is fine with me.

So, to continue, I flew to Cali. On my way back I was stopped (as usual) by security. My insulin pump, despite the protestations of the little simians they employ as screeners, always sets off the metal detectors. So of course, they searched me. Now, in my carry on, I have large needles and a spring-loaded injector for said needles. Did they key in on those glittering little shards of death? Nooooooooooooo. Instead, they opened my guitar case and took out my needlenose pliers. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! Ok, if you think I'm dumb enough to expect my syringes of doom with new and improved power launcher to get through, why why WHY would you think I would use needlenose pliers as a weapon? If I really wanted to I would load up one of those bitches and cram it through the nearest jugular. Hell, I even had extra needle ammo!

This is not a knife. Or a shotgun. Or a llama. Idiots.

And another thing....the strings. The strings on my guitar are metal... basically, I have 6 meter long lengths of garrotte wire at my disposal at any time. But I'm sure needlenose pliers are a larger threat, Petunia. Hey, airlines, listen up.... here's a test for you. If you seize something of mine I'll give you the opportunity to take me out with it. If you can't, I keep it. If you can, no problem, I'll surrender it. It's not like I was packing a Glock or something....they are PLIARS!!!

And after all this, she had the nerve o tell me I could check them. Right, I'm going to sprint back through the gate and check a pair of pliers in a baggie. Make sure they get home to me there, Cleetus. She also gave me the option of mailing them to myself. FROM WHERE, FUCKTARD?!?!?! I don't see Jerry the laughing mailman hopping up to me with a prepaid envelope and a lolling, stamp-licking tongue. So, what, should I just scrawl on them with a magic marker and hurl them at the nearest passing FedEx plane?

Again, I'm all for security...SMART security. So the next time they sieze your hairclip because you might molest a styrofoam cup with it, protest. Not loudly enough to get booted, but this needs to stop. Register your malcontent anywhere and everywhere you can. Ok, I'm off to peel some Girl Scouts with my new pliers. S out.

Presedential Debacles, Part 1

"Invading Iraq in response to 9/11 is like invading Mexico in response to Pearl Harbor" ---Senator John Kerry

Fucking brilliant. As a bumper sticker I recently observed said, "Yee-haw" is not a foriegn policy. Hey, Mr. President.... enough with the "Killjoy Was Here" shit. If you want to ride an A-bomb into the heart of the Arab world, waving your 10 gallon death-sieve the whole way, I'll personally dig up Stanley Kubrick's corpse to film it as we strap you into that lil' number and unleash even more hatred into this fucked-up little spheroid we call Earth. At least we'll be less one moron.


Uhhhh....wheels on the bomb go round and round? Oh wait, I already used that one.

PS: Uh, howza bout you take a lookey-loo towards North Korea? At least they admit they've got fuck-u-up-for-uranium138's-halflife-mobiles.